Punctuation is dissing my gruntle

As I write, attached to each of my nipples is an alligator clip. These clips are connected by wire to a foot operated button switch, thence to twelve volt car battery placed unassumingly next to my PC.  For technical officianados  my left nipple is positive, my right nipple is negative. The reason for my present condition is a tendency to digress from the task at hand at every opportunity when work of some kind simply must be done.  Concentration is my grail in an attempt to combat an attention span rightly compared to that of a goldfish.

To aid my efforts over the years I have employed many ruses to confound and place in harness that mercurial part of my nature causing problems. The ghost of Thomas Jefferson stands poised holding a baseball bat, Charles Dickens an Oak Staff,  Socrates a withering gaze,  Shakespeare holds an Elizabethan pike with its tip hovering approximately one centimetre from my anal ring.

And so to Ivan Petrovich Pavlov.  He observed dogs slobbering in anticipation of food, he found out why, found he could change a dogs behaviour through external stimulii, got a Nobel Prize and I am a fan. The electrified nipple clamps are my very latest and  shocking attempt to enlist the work of an intellectual giant to my cause.

Comparison to a dog, while entertaining, is untrue.  I am a man and therefore not a dog. This is irrefutable logic despite anything my critics might say; bastards.

The method is this; each time I commit the sin of wandering in thought or deed from the purpose at hand, down goes the switch. It is not pleasant but the rigour of academic excellence demands it. (Patent applied for)

Punctuation is dissing my gruntle. 

After researching the word gruntle at this place I am satisfied that punctuation does indeed make me gruntle.  However it also makes clear that I should change the title to 'Intensifying  my pig like speech and demeanor' which is wholly unintentional, dis is used to intensify the meaning in rare cases of ancient English.  But I digress, ARRRRRGH.......

 Punctuation Examples

 You can find the following horrific list of anything but letters at Wikipedia

"Swinging fiercely, Nadine hit a high pop-up, and the pitcher caught it.

Swinging is a verb form, a participle.  Another verb form commonly found in introductory elements in the infinitive:

To cap it off, Nadine hit a high pop-up, and the pitcher caught it.

"To cap" is the infinitive. Always separate these participal and infinitive phrases from the base clause with a comma."

Participle: English verbs have two participles, past and present.

Examples of participle formation include:

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To be continued (Gone for a sh@t),  ARRRGH........