those are two essays for the UIUC undergraduate application. Maybe you could help me with it.
The deadline is near and I am very anxious about my essays because I still can't find anyone to revise it!
please point out if I have not focused on the topic.
· Essay 1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
· Essay 2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
Important factors considered by the review committee when evaluating the essays are:
· How the applicant ties his or her academic interest to the desired major or, if applying to the Division of General Studies, how the applicant explains his or her varied interests and need for exploration.
· How the applicant showcases his or her passion through chosen activities, work experience, research, or course selection in high school.
· How the essay reveals maturity and growth through past experiences, evidence of character development, cultural insight, community awareness, and/or leadership. Strength of writing is carefully considered throughout all the application essays.
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{Essay1}
I prefer to begin my story with a special family member, a dog called Mantou. I still remember the first day I spent with him. When I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and murmured about the endless noises he had made the whole night, I discovered him peeing on my lovely carpet just beside my lovely bed with an innocent look! Nevertheless, Mantou has dramatically influenced my daily life. In order to be a good owner, I have to collect an abundance of strange information on the feeding of dogs. I started to understand every movement of this little creature.
One day when I was doing my biology homework, I found that on the bottom of the page I was working on was a piece of short knowledge which discussed the similarities between the genes of dogs and those of human. Attracted by the interesting knowledge about dogs, I forgot to do my task and went though all the notes of every page in that book. I suddenly realized how deeply I was into Biology!
In fact, when I was just a primary school student, I enjoyed watching the science program on CCTV 10, especially the documentary about rare genetic diseases. One episode made a deep impression on me: a hairy boy born in a small Indian village. The furry look made the boy’s life rather difficult. Every beginning of the semester was the most terrible time for him because the little boy had to hide behind his parents to avoid being stared by others. I do not know how his life is now, but what I do know is that just sitting in front of the TV is not enough. I cannot wait to go to a university to find out the secret of genes! The wish to save more life is the simple reason why I concentrate more on biology experiment than other students in high school study and struggle to attend an advanced campus.
{Essay2}
Last year, I noticed that a schoolboy always had his own Street Music Show at the school gate of the University near my home every afternoon with his guitar. Lots of people flocked together quietly to watch the road show. I was totally attracted by the atmosphere. Standing beside the street, ignoring the noises of the heavy traffic, and just enjoying the soft tunes were indeed huge temptations to me! The little men in my mind started to quarrel:
"I want to have a chance to sing a song in front of them! I want to prove myself."
"Are you crazy? What if you forget the lyrics? What if people leave here because of your bad performance?"
Just at this time, I heard the words from the singer," …the stage is for everybody, you can also stand here to sing…" which instantly cheered me and impelled me to walk to the microphone. Holding the microphone, I tried to emit a sound but seemed to lose my voice. Each cell of the body was shivering. The schoolboy picked up his guitar and gave me a confident smile. Hearing the melodies of the guitar, I closed my eyes to sing my favorite song, imagining that I was standing on a real, bright stage. After finishing the song, I was so intense that I left the stage without looking up at the crowd, but the warm applause did vividly echoed in my ears!
After the performance, I asked the cool boy if I could join such kind of performance on weekends. Surprisedly, he was pleased to have a companion. So this is how my wonderful music weekends began.
We are our own worst enemy. I believe that challenging ourselves is the key to success. Because of this, I become more and more confident to taste the colorful world.
